Life on the Road

Thanks for all the comments and emails on my previous Baby Goes to Church (…or Doesn’t) post.

We talked a lot and prayed a lot, and in the end wrote a letter to our church proposing a solution.  We’re meeting with the pastor this afternoon to discuss it, and decide how to proceed.

Here’s what we said, edited for your readbility and certain other people’s privacy:

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December 14, 2008

Pastor,

We are writing to suggest an addition to the nursery ministry that would address a major area where the church is not meeting the needs of a segment of families who attend – or might wish to attend. Worse than simply not supporting us (and others like us), in fact, the church actually seems to be working against us.

It is absolutely not our intention to criticize the nursery staff, or the existing nursery program.  These are wonderful, loving people, working efficiently and effectively at what they do. We are not saying that anything is wrong with that program, or requesting changes to it. This is, rather, a proposal for an additional, complementary ministry.

Any discussion of this issue, and especially of the reasoning behind it, is likely to be emotionally charged. If I explain my parenting philosophy, another parent may feel that I am judging theirs, and become insulted or defensive. If I explain why the nursery program does not meet my needs, the nursery planners and workers may feel insulted.

For this reason, we have broken this up into several sections, so that the appropriate informational parts can be shared. We hope you will keep this personal letter in confidence, while perhaps sharing the generalities and insights from it as the topic is discussed. As Pastor, we felt it would be best for you to have a comprehensive view of the situation.

Our parenting philosophy is largely aligned with what is commonly called “Attachment Parenting.” It was not a prescription we selected from the library, but rather a natural outgrowth of our belief about God’s design – His design for procreation, His design of women’s bodies to nourish their babies, His design of the marriage and family unit, His Biblical instructions for people’s roles and priorities, etc.

The facilities currently lacking could best be described as a Self-Service Nursery, which would also encompass the people who would like to have a “cry room” available.

In our travels, we have noticed that church children’s facilities seem to come in two varieties, with little “middle ground”:

• More conservative churches tend to have “cry room” or family accommodations, and the ideal of teaching children to sit in the church service with their parents.
• Less conservative churches tend to have staffed “nursery” child care services offered, and the ideal seems to be that children are kept out of service until they are past the age of “Children’s Church.”

Our proposal would allow parents to choose whichever of these options works best for their family, perhaps providing a more welcoming atmosphere for an even more traditional population that the current church focus.

We have never really had to deal with negative or critical comments about our parenting choices in the past 14 years.  However, we have been deeply hurt by members of our own church on three separate occasions in the last few months!

We do not want to “name names” in the sense of blaming or criticizing the individuals involved.  It seems important, though, that you see the issues, and it is extremely relevant in these cases that the people are all in positions of authority, and their comments carry the weight of “The Voice of the Church.”

[Removed for (hopefully) obvious reasons]

Since R.T. is growing so rapidly, we are actually setting aside a considerable store of baby gear to donate, which will cover most of the necessary furnishings:  two swings, a bouncy seat, two jumpy “saucers”, a “Baby Einstein” floor gym, a Bumbo baby seat, 2 Boppy nursing pillows (plus a spare cover), a nursing footstool, etc.

Wolf is also willing and qualified to install (or assist in installing) the audio and/or video equipment.

Thank you in advance for your prayerful consideration of this need. We appreciate your help in bringing it to the church in a productive manner, and as non-confrontationally as possible.

Sincerely,

Wolf & Tiffany Holley
Nick, Jewel & R.T.

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Proposal:

A Self-Service Nursery Area / Cry Room as an Addition to the Existing Nursery Program

WHAT:

A “Self-Service” area where parents and their children can stay without disturbing the service. This would encompass the functions of a “cry room” a “nursing room” a “diaper-change station” as well as a parent-supervised nursery.

This space would have audio capabilities so that parents (and children!) would have the ability to hear the service.

Furnishings would include a diaper-changing station, a rocking chair or two, a nursing pillow or two, and several other comfortable adult chairs. Additionally there would be a carpeted/padded play area and some children’s toys. A child-secure cabinet would need to be provided for storage of cleaning supplies, etc.

A restroom would not need to be incorporated into the room itself, since parents can and do take their children to the church restrooms at other times.

WHERE:

An area would be created or allocated from existing church space. This could be done in any number of ways:

• A room divided from the existing Nursery facilities (as the “baby room” is), since this will encompass some of those functions.
  • With the nursery expansion, this would be a simple, logical, and effective solution.
• Sharing use of a room that is not occupied during service times.
• Conversion of another space. For example, [details irrelevant here].

WHO:

This would require very little personnel or support, since parents would at all times be responsible for their own children.

Cleanup and other routine duties could be handled as part and parcel of the other Nursery facilities, or on a separate volunteer schedule.

HOW:

Once space has been set aside, the area could be furnished in several ways, separately or in combination:

• With new equipment purchased out of church funds.
• With equipment reassigned from the existing Nursery facilities, since this will encompass some of those functions and serve much of the same population.
• Through church members’ donations.
• Through vigilance in obtaining second-hand goods through such local community resources as Freecycle and Craigslist, free or at a low cost.

It is believed that audio capabilities could be furnished with equipment already owned by the church, and installed by volunteers. If desired, video capability could be added inexpensively with new or used equipment and volunteer labor.

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Reasons a Self-Service Nursery / Cry Room is Needed in Addition to the Existing Nursery Program

• Where possible, the church should support all parents’ diverse choices in Biblically-based parenting philosophies.
  • Parents may not agree with the current norm of separating a very young child from their parents.
  • Parents may be more comfortable teaching children to sit in service with them as their development permits.
  • Parents may only wish to allow children to play in the nursery as the child is comfortable with that, rather than mandating it.
  • Parents may wish to breastfeed on demand, rather than relying on bottles, pacifiers, or even schedules.
• A “cry room” is needed to enable parents to care for their young children who need to be taken out of service, and still allow them to hear (and possibly see) the sermon.
  • Nursery staff has acknowledged that this has been requested and discussed in the past.
  • Current solution of a speaker in the Nursery’s “Baby Room” is a problematic, partial solution at best.
    • Speaker volume could be disruptive to sleeping babies
    • Fathers are not welcome in this “nursing mothers’ area,” so no sharing of care between the parents is possible.
    • Other children are not welcome in the “baby room,” as with fathers, above.
    • Even the nursing mother is not welcome to stay in the room unless actively feeding baby.
• Families with older children need to be able to stay together and supervise them.
  • Some families place a higher value on worshiping together.
  • Even if only at certain times and for specific reasons, it may not be appropriate for an adolescent to sit with other youth during service, rather than being supervised by his/her parent.
  • A mother who needs to tend to a crying infant, nurse her baby, or change a diaper still needs to be able to supervise her other children (of any age).
• Church should not mandate against families’ choice to use cloth diapers.
  • Choice may be on the grounds of being physically better for baby, better for the environment, and/or less expensive.
  • In any of these cases, parents may feel strongly about using even “a few disposable diapers each week” in the nursery (it adds up quickly!).