Life on the Road

Head on over to Judy’s great blog, Mommy News & Views, to read the second half of my story about struggling with breastfeeding through medical situations.

Quick!

Head over to our other blog, As For My House. Check out the review, and enter to win a copy of Near Mama’s Heart – a beautiful book about breastfeeding, for children.

Good luck!

If I can spare even one mother or baby the struggles I went through during the first year of R.T.’s life, it will all be worth it!

You can read all about the lessons I learned the hard way, published today over at Mommy News & Views.

My heartfelt thanks to Judy, who has offered me this platform. Look for the next installment in February…

My story (breastfeeding history) is featured on “Mommy News and Views”, the blog hosted by A Mother’s Boutique.

You may remember my raves about Judy and A Mother’s Boutique from the saga of what to wear at R.T.’s birth.

So, naturally, I’m thrilled to contribute to the blog. This “history” will serve to introduce me to her readers. Then I will be contributing a breastfeeding article (and/or story) every month, on a wide range of breastfeeding topics.

I hope to see you over there!

We have a lifestyle and parenting philosophy that do not line up with the mainstream in society today.

There are lots of ladies at my La Leche League meeting that believe a lot of the same things I do about parenting.  I also find kindred spirits on certain topics among homesteaders, ”green” folks, and the Attachment Parenting community.  Conservative religious beliefs make me feel right at home with German Baptists, Mennonites, and some churches like Reformed Baptists.

Still, during the average trip to the grocery store, or church, or pretty much anywhere else, I find people who make very different choices.  A lot of my life feels like I’m “swimming up-stream.”

Even the most secure person can benefit from a little validation, so I wanted to share a couple of incidents that happened recently that have really made my day(s).

Honorning God

We wear dresses all the time, so the difference may not be as clear-cut, but we are very big believers in putting on our “Sunday Best” to go to church.  We honor the Lord by taking care to dress up for a visit to His house.

The last couple of weeks, Jewel has made some commentary about her wardrobe choices that warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes:

I’m going to wear my ‘pretty princess’ shoes, because I want to look pretty for God and make Him happy!

Wow!  Some of it is sinking in…

Being Attached

Questions I hear far too often: 

• “Why don’t you just leave them in the Nursery?”
• “Why don’t you put them in Preschool/Day-Care so you have some time to yourself?”

Well, just to hit a few of the high points, I don’t because:

• I prefer to allow my babies to retain their natural attachment to their mother.
• I believe in breastfeeding on demand.
• I choose not to hand over the right/responsibility for shaping my children’s character to someone else.
• Research shows that cortisol (stress hormone) inhibits brain development.  No thanks!

People have a lot of wide-ranging opinions about the negative consequences of this, most of which are obviously not true.

For instance, “You’ll never be able to have a relationship with your husband” is proven untrue by the obvious fact that we have had more children.  (*ahem*)

Some are more subtle, so harder to debate/defend on short notice.  The most common ones are variations on a theme:

• “You’ll spoil them”
• “They need to learn how to be alone”
• “They’ll always be clingy / insecure”
• “You have to teach them to respect your needs”

Attachment Parenting philosophy, Bible teaching, and modern science, all dispute these notions.  People cling to them, though, and – I believe – use them to justify what simply amounts to what they want for themselves.

Let me just tell you that for me, working in the church nursery has given me all the “evidence” I need that my way is NOT wrong.  It breaks my heart sometimes…

But from the other side, I have been delighted lately to have had not one but several women who teach Jewel’s age group make a point of coming up and talking to me about her.

• “She’s always so happy!”
• “She’s an eager participant, and a delight to have in class!”
• “She never cries and makes a fuss when you drop her off.”

What a joy! 

Of course, I’m not shy in pointing out that the reason she is so secure as a 4 year-old is because I made her feel secure as a 1 year-old, 2 year-old, and 3 year-old by never forcing her to stay alone in the nursery.  She has a secure base from which to explore the world at her own pace, and trusts that I will always be there if there was a problem.

A little validation goes a long way…

This is absolutely too cute not to share.

Please go read The Princess and the Chick Pea on Breastfeeding Moms Unite!

Today we are celebrating Jewel’s Weaning.  It’s also kinda fun for R.T.’s 11-month-old “birthday,” and early Valentine’s Day — but it all started with Jewel’s Day.

Jewel hasn’t nursed in over a month, and is enjoying her new “Big Girl” status.  We hope to do “coming of age” celebrations with the kids, so we decided we should start with this one.

Jewel is dressed up in one of her “pretty pink princess” outfits – dress, tights, shoes, and even a matching hair bow in her (up-do!) hair.

Papa rose to the occassion ad put on his tuxedo.

We’re going to have an early lunch at Appleby’s (Jewel’s choice), then Jewel and Papa will head off to the ballet.  We’ll expect an update when they return…

I got just plain worn out with Nick sometime after his third birthday.  As a single mom, having just come through a divorce from his dad, I was exhausted all the time.  He was having nothing to do with potty training, and it was exasperating, so I gave him the choice to wean or potty train, so that I could have a little respite. 

Much to my surprise, he chose to wean.  His stubbornness knew no bounds…  Still doesn’t, come to think of it.

Ten years later, I started the family thing all over again. 

Jewel still nursed at 3 1/2, and meanwhile I am happily breastfeeding her 10 month-old brother.

I would estimate that Jewel didn’t get any significant portion of her nurtition from “real food” until she was at least two, and the baby doesn’t eat at all yet.  No rush with these two, as life is more tolerable this time around. 

Breastfeeding is a hot topic for us.  In addition to all the well-documented scientific proofs of how much better it is, we believe that it is part of God’s plan for women aned families, and carries a lot of benefits that haven’t ever been studied or quanitified.

So Jewel was left in charge of her own weaning timetable.  Of course as she grew older the nursing requests came less and less often.  For a while it was only at bedtime and in the morning.  Then Papa took over bedtime, and it was only mornings…  But it was also there when she was sick, or fell and got hurt, or …

On Saturday, January 3, we’d had a busy day of running around.  Jewel had gotten cold, and was wearing a hooded sweatshirt of Nick’s.  We called her a Jawa… then had to explain that to her, and realized that we need to watch Star Wars!  But I digress.

As we were getting ready for bed, Jewel announced that she was a weaned Jawa.  Nobody was quite sure whether that was part of the Jawa game, or if she meant it – and even so if she would keep meaning it.  She’s said that once or twice before, but it never lasted past bedtime…

The next morning, Jewel took a pretty serious fall.  While observing her for a possible concussion, I nursed her.  But (when things calmed down) we continued talking about her weaning announcement.

Since then she has asked to nurse several times.  Each time I have responded with, “Oh, really, I thought you were weaned?”

The subject changes, and we go on about our business.  I would still nurse her if she asked again in that dialogue, but she hasn’t.

A week and a half later, at her age, I think we’re probably safe saying it:

Jewel is Weaned.

Time to throw a party!  Much more significant as a coming-of-age milestone than 12, 13, or 16, if you ask me…

Any ideas what we should do?

Thanks for all the comments and emails on my previous Baby Goes to Church (…or Doesn’t) post.

We talked a lot and prayed a lot, and in the end wrote a letter to our church proposing a solution.  We’re meeting with the pastor this afternoon to discuss it, and decide how to proceed.

Here’s what we said, edited for your readbility and certain other people’s privacy:

————————————

December 14, 2008

Pastor,

We are writing to suggest an addition to the nursery ministry that would address a major area where the church is not meeting the needs of a segment of families who attend – or might wish to attend. Worse than simply not supporting us (and others like us), in fact, the church actually seems to be working against us.

It is absolutely not our intention to criticize the nursery staff, or the existing nursery program.  These are wonderful, loving people, working efficiently and effectively at what they do. We are not saying that anything is wrong with that program, or requesting changes to it. This is, rather, a proposal for an additional, complementary ministry.

Any discussion of this issue, and especially of the reasoning behind it, is likely to be emotionally charged. If I explain my parenting philosophy, another parent may feel that I am judging theirs, and become insulted or defensive. If I explain why the nursery program does not meet my needs, the nursery planners and workers may feel insulted.

For this reason, we have broken this up into several sections, so that the appropriate informational parts can be shared. We hope you will keep this personal letter in confidence, while perhaps sharing the generalities and insights from it as the topic is discussed. As Pastor, we felt it would be best for you to have a comprehensive view of the situation.

Our parenting philosophy is largely aligned with what is commonly called “Attachment Parenting.” It was not a prescription we selected from the library, but rather a natural outgrowth of our belief about God’s design – His design for procreation, His design of women’s bodies to nourish their babies, His design of the marriage and family unit, His Biblical instructions for people’s roles and priorities, etc.

The facilities currently lacking could best be described as a Self-Service Nursery, which would also encompass the people who would like to have a “cry room” available.

In our travels, we have noticed that church children’s facilities seem to come in two varieties, with little “middle ground”:

• More conservative churches tend to have “cry room” or family accommodations, and the ideal of teaching children to sit in the church service with their parents.
• Less conservative churches tend to have staffed “nursery” child care services offered, and the ideal seems to be that children are kept out of service until they are past the age of “Children’s Church.”

Our proposal would allow parents to choose whichever of these options works best for their family, perhaps providing a more welcoming atmosphere for an even more traditional population that the current church focus.

We have never really had to deal with negative or critical comments about our parenting choices in the past 14 years.  However, we have been deeply hurt by members of our own church on three separate occasions in the last few months!

We do not want to “name names” in the sense of blaming or criticizing the individuals involved.  It seems important, though, that you see the issues, and it is extremely relevant in these cases that the people are all in positions of authority, and their comments carry the weight of “The Voice of the Church.”

[Removed for (hopefully) obvious reasons]

Since R.T. is growing so rapidly, we are actually setting aside a considerable store of baby gear to donate, which will cover most of the necessary furnishings:  two swings, a bouncy seat, two jumpy “saucers”, a “Baby Einstein” floor gym, a Bumbo baby seat, 2 Boppy nursing pillows (plus a spare cover), a nursing footstool, etc.

Wolf is also willing and qualified to install (or assist in installing) the audio and/or video equipment.

Thank you in advance for your prayerful consideration of this need. We appreciate your help in bringing it to the church in a productive manner, and as non-confrontationally as possible.

Sincerely,

Wolf & Tiffany Holley
Nick, Jewel & R.T.

————————

Proposal:

A Self-Service Nursery Area / Cry Room as an Addition to the Existing Nursery Program

WHAT:

A “Self-Service” area where parents and their children can stay without disturbing the service. This would encompass the functions of a “cry room” a “nursing room” a “diaper-change station” as well as a parent-supervised nursery.

This space would have audio capabilities so that parents (and children!) would have the ability to hear the service.

Furnishings would include a diaper-changing station, a rocking chair or two, a nursing pillow or two, and several other comfortable adult chairs. Additionally there would be a carpeted/padded play area and some children’s toys. A child-secure cabinet would need to be provided for storage of cleaning supplies, etc.

A restroom would not need to be incorporated into the room itself, since parents can and do take their children to the church restrooms at other times.

WHERE:

An area would be created or allocated from existing church space. This could be done in any number of ways:

• A room divided from the existing Nursery facilities (as the “baby room” is), since this will encompass some of those functions.
  • With the nursery expansion, this would be a simple, logical, and effective solution.
• Sharing use of a room that is not occupied during service times.
• Conversion of another space. For example, [details irrelevant here].

WHO:

This would require very little personnel or support, since parents would at all times be responsible for their own children.

Cleanup and other routine duties could be handled as part and parcel of the other Nursery facilities, or on a separate volunteer schedule.

HOW:

Once space has been set aside, the area could be furnished in several ways, separately or in combination:

• With new equipment purchased out of church funds.
• With equipment reassigned from the existing Nursery facilities, since this will encompass some of those functions and serve much of the same population.
• Through church members’ donations.
• Through vigilance in obtaining second-hand goods through such local community resources as Freecycle and Craigslist, free or at a low cost.

It is believed that audio capabilities could be furnished with equipment already owned by the church, and installed by volunteers. If desired, video capability could be added inexpensively with new or used equipment and volunteer labor.

———————–

Reasons a Self-Service Nursery / Cry Room is Needed in Addition to the Existing Nursery Program

• Where possible, the church should support all parents’ diverse choices in Biblically-based parenting philosophies.
  • Parents may not agree with the current norm of separating a very young child from their parents.
  • Parents may be more comfortable teaching children to sit in service with them as their development permits.
  • Parents may only wish to allow children to play in the nursery as the child is comfortable with that, rather than mandating it.
  • Parents may wish to breastfeed on demand, rather than relying on bottles, pacifiers, or even schedules.
• A “cry room” is needed to enable parents to care for their young children who need to be taken out of service, and still allow them to hear (and possibly see) the sermon.
  • Nursery staff has acknowledged that this has been requested and discussed in the past.
  • Current solution of a speaker in the Nursery’s “Baby Room” is a problematic, partial solution at best.
    • Speaker volume could be disruptive to sleeping babies
    • Fathers are not welcome in this “nursing mothers’ area,” so no sharing of care between the parents is possible.
    • Other children are not welcome in the “baby room,” as with fathers, above.
    • Even the nursing mother is not welcome to stay in the room unless actively feeding baby.
• Families with older children need to be able to stay together and supervise them.
  • Some families place a higher value on worshiping together.
  • Even if only at certain times and for specific reasons, it may not be appropriate for an adolescent to sit with other youth during service, rather than being supervised by his/her parent.
  • A mother who needs to tend to a crying infant, nurse her baby, or change a diaper still needs to be able to supervise her other children (of any age).
• Church should not mandate against families’ choice to use cloth diapers.
  • Choice may be on the grounds of being physically better for baby, better for the environment, and/or less expensive.
  • In any of these cases, parents may feel strongly about using even “a few disposable diapers each week” in the nursery (it adds up quickly!).

I was sitting with my “littles” in the WIC office, and as always, everyone was commenting on my adorable chubby boy.

The receptionist asked how old he was, and was impressed at his size for nine months old.  Just then R.T. happened to look up at me and grin, and I kissed him on the forehead.

She said, “You breastfeed him, don’t you?”

Oh, yes.

She said that she loves to see the bond between mothers and breastfed babies – and that she can always tell.  She notices the way the baby will look up at you, or cuddle against your chest and smile, if you’re nursing. 

This is someone who has hundreds upon hundreds of mothers and babies streaming through her office…  And she is that firmly convicted.

“If only they could see what I see…” she says, then everyone would want to nurse.  She tells me she could tell the breastfeeding moms just from whose kids don’t get sick as much, are brighter, more outgoing, the list goes on.

She’d been chatting with Jewel all through this, as well, and laughedwhen she found out Jewel was only three. 

“You breastfed her, too, didn’t you?”

Oh, yes.

“For how long?”

I must have hesisted, but I was grinning…

She offered, “You’re still nursing her?”

Yeah…

She described how different things were when they went to visit the family in Cuba.  You could just be sitting there at the bus stop, and a woman would lift her shirt and let her (older) child nurse…  She mentioned one family member of her husband’s who had been nursed until he was six.

Truly, such things are normal in much of the world.  Just not here.  Just not among people who “want their body back,” and want to leave the baby with a sitter as soon as possible, and don’t want to hurt their income potential.

Why don’t more people know just how much it matters?